after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
