I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
