i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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