If i come over, it means nothing
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
MIDGETS
????
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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