3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
