If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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