A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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