When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
