Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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