i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
