where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
