I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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