1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
