last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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