she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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