What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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