All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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