I need to stop coming to work sober
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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