dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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