jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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