Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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