Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
