I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
