What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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