Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
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