Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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