I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
