dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
