How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
