I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Drunk is a universal language darling
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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