Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
