That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
