Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
