Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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