you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
