just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
