WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
