Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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