Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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