I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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