So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We had sex on a dog bed..
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