just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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