bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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