Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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