apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
