Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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