it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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