dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
