Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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