im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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