So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
