She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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