haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
