did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
