3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Randomize
