My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
