It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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