Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
