i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
