Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
